Well, Day 75 has rolled around and what should be a milestone for me is more of a big fail. I have kept up one side of the bargain when it comes to this blog: The creative thing. When it comes to the smoking I have failed miserably.
It was on Sunday the 25th of April when I broke down. Almost a full month ago. I had spent the night at the office that Saturday and I was trying to construct an edited piece for Toy Story 3, for a Monday delivery. Looking at the meager progress I had made that Saturday, I knew as early as Sunday morning that I’d be spending another night getting this cut done. When I don’t know where I’m going with a particular piece I pace around and pace around until I need some kind of release. Locked in my office without much of an escape and no inspiration to guide me through.
There really is no describing how upsetting it was for me. I mean, I went 49 days without a cig after years and years of continuous smoking, without the use of the patch or nicotine gum. Straight cold turkey. For the first week after I started smoking again I kept it to an absolute minimum. Waiting until I could wait no longer to have another cigarette. But like all people who have been smokers before know, once you have one you begin making excuses to have another, and another and so on.
It’s important for me that I disclose this confession to you. The first 30 days of this blog were uniquely satisfying for me. Once I allowed myself to succumb to the smokes the earnestness of this experience disappeared. One of the great side effects of quitting and starting this blog was that instead of smoking multiple cigarettes on my long drive to work I was busy thinking and planning for what my creative thing was going to be for that day. Most of my best ideas were happening on that drive. Now, I just smoke and listen to the radio again.
So in honor of Day 75 I offer you the truth. But the fight is not over. I have set my next quitting date for this Monday the 24th. Because I can’t tell myself, “I’ll quit tomorrow”. No, I need to plan these things to mentally and physically prepare. Because on the day that I quit, I can’t fail. I have to make it from the drive to work all the way to bed that night. I will still be pretty busy at work next week but I think the all-nighters are over on this project.
I ultimately want this blog to inspire you. In the future I hope to offer up even better creative things as well as keep up a steady routine of updating you on my progress with the quitting.
All the best and thank you for reading.
Charlie
Comments
10 responses to “Day 075 / A Confession”
Hi,
my father quit smoking after about 55 years when he was 70 (he had a very bad flu). Then he decided to save up the “cigarette” money. After about a year he realized his dream and bought a DSLR camera with additional lens, tripod, bag, etc. Now he is saving for a laptop, so he can can edit the pictures and update his blog from anywhere.
He is inspirational and your blog – including the honesty about your “failure” – is really inspirational.
Looking forward to your new ideas.
Thanks
Laszlo
The truth shall set you free… and you gave it.
I quit a million times before I quit. This time it will be a bit harder… but everything is doable. Keep trying, it will be worth it.
I hope that’s a load off for you. Now back to awesome creativeness!
Man! This is intense. I’ve been smoking a pack or so a day for 6 years now and since my daughter’s birth have been trying so hard to quit. The longest I’ve made it is 3 days. Props for the 49 days. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted. Hang in there and don’t feel too bad about it. Get back on the horse. If you try harder to quit, I’ll try harder to quit and we’ll both be doing it for our daughters :-)
Charlie,
thanks for your honesty and I know you will accomplish this. I believe in you and I think it’s awesome how you’ve been keeping up with this blog! And don’t think of this as a fail because you are getting right back up and trying again…never give up…I know you can do this.
love ya my charlie!
Thanks Everyone! It feels good to know that you care. I’ll be more forthcoming with my progress in future posts. Perhaps add a little ticker or something counting the days that are free of smoke.
Laszlo – I appreciate the comment and welcome to the blog.
Jared – Totally! Never have I had such a good reason to quit. It’s amazing the effect she has on me. I’m sure it’s the same for you. Gotta be around to see her future. Good to see your blog back up.
I happens.
You’ve always inspired, that’s what you are good at. Keep it going, and fill yourself with it…. and you’ll replace the thoughts to cig…
Nice bokehs.
Chas –
Man – thanks for sharing! It is so tough to quit! I’ve stopped for a year at least three times in my life and go for days without smoking, but I always miss it and return to it like a twisted love affair. You just have to tell yourself that you want it, but you CAN’T have it.
Hang in there –
Kat
i still love u.